Thank you for taking the time to read about my words of wisdom.
As you'll see I'm very wise. :)

Updated 10-17-06

My favorite saying:

Everyone is entitled to make an occasional mistake..................except for skydivers of course.

Good Quotes

"The meek shall inherit the earth.... after all the assholes have taken everything worth having." - Nathan
"Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, beacause theres nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams." -Motivational poster
"No matter how hot a girl is, there is some guy somewhere that is sick of putting up with her shit." -Motivational poster
"The day I can't do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and my gun."
"I spend my money on booze, hookers and weed.... the rest I waste"
"I picked a hell of a day to quit sniffing glue"
"Vulgarity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker"
"Are you stalking me?......... because that would be super." -Van Wilder
"Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all who opposed them"
"Plagarism saves time"
"The beatings will continue until morale improves"
"A Computer lets you make mistakes faster than any invention in human history.... with the possible exceptions of hand guns and tequila."
"Sure I'm insensitive, but you're fat" - Josh Brown
"Fat kids are harder to kidnap" -Fark
"I was gonna call 911 but I was downloading a file" - opcode
"I beat the internet....... the end guy was hard." - bombscare
"Girls are like internet domain names, all the good ones are taken but you can still get one from a strange country."
"The problem with america is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be capital punishment for it or anything, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?" -xterm
"There is no fool me twice. Fool me once and I'm going to be seeing someone else" -Players proverb
"Black ice always seems to show up when you're intoxicated" - Dan on black ice accidents
"It took me 7 beatings to make her think it was funny, but she laughs now" - Luke
"You know me Marge, I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming!" -Homer
"People who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us that do"
"If you farted too close to that thing it would stop working" - My teacher describing a poorly designed device
"Um, Dave, that light was a very very stale yellow." -Dews
"What do you mean I can't turn straight on red?" -me
"Let's try that left turn again" -me
"Good things don't end in "eum", the end in "mania" or teria"." -Homer
It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
"Do you guys understand this? You're all giving me the who farted look" - My teacher
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.
"If assholes could fly, this place would be a fuckin' airport"
"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
"Okay, okay! I take it back! Unfuck you!!!"
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car "
I say live and let live, if anyone can't accept that they should be executed. - George Carlin
"If sometimes you feel little, useless, offended and depressed, always remember that you were once the fastest and most vigorous sperm out of hundreds of millions"
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name.............. and you've never been to that bar before.
Stereotypes are great. It's the only way I can hate millions of people without wasting the time to meet them all. - My brother Matt
You're not drunk if you can lie down on the floor without holding on. -Joe Lewis
"Everybodys a racist, anyone that isn't a racist is a liar and a racist."
There's too much blood in my caffine system - Bumper sticker
I don't like people that take drugs............. Customs men for example.
A person who is nice to you, but not nice to the waiter, is not a nice person.
If you had to identify in one word, the human race has not achieved, and will never achieve, it's full potential, that word would be "meetings"   - Dave Barry
There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness
"Inside me there is a thin woman trying to get out........... but I can usually shut the bitch up with chocolate."
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again
Junk is things you've kept for years and need 2 weeks after you've just thrown it out
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program"
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
"I love cooking with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food"
"My son just finished his last year of college........ Unfortunately he was a freshman." -Mark Cordes
"I couldn't be a lesbian because I couldn't put up with a woman bitching at me all the time"
"Children, your performance was miserable. Your parents will all recieve phone calls instructing them to love you less now." ~ Ms. Bitters
As with most things in life, when it comes to a close friend being there for you, almost isn't close enough.
Screw happy endings, go for killer beginnings!
"How beautiful it is to do nothing and then rest afterward."   - Puerto Rican proverb
I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting" - Norman Schwartzkof (when asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness for the terrorists who have aided and abetted the 9\11 attacks)
"Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off of the goal"
Every wonder why you never see the headlines "Psychic wins lottery"?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
"Christopher Columbus didn't have to ask for directions and neither do we!"
"I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing so I acted like nothing was wrong. I know she's lying but it's just not worth the hassle"
No, I don't know the correct way to do it, but I do know THAT'S not it!
"If stupidity got us into this mess, then how come it can't get us out?" (Will Rogers)
Can't beat the friendly folks around here.........though sometimes you'd really like to.
"It's not the dress that makes you look fat." (Al Bundy)
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
"Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them"
Health is merely a slower rate at which you die.
"Guys, I'm not really in a drinking mood tonight....... Hopefully a couple beers will fix that." -Me (I said that to Dews and Keith)
Those who live by the sword have to watch out so they don't get shot by those who don't.
To those who say video games are a waste: "I say that a moment enjoyed is not wasted" (Gamers.com)
"In america anyone can be president....that's one of the risks you take"
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Murphy's 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 shot of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
"God gave men a penis and a brain but not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." (Robin Williams)
Things that come to those who wait are often the things left by those who got there first.
I want to die like my friend Jim: in my sleep...not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted
If god didn't want us to drink beer, he would have put deadly poison in it right? (www.drinkmorebeer.com)
A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well.
"Well...I say...Nuke the unborn baby gay whales!" (Mayhem of windrivers.com)
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I do whatever my rice krispies tell me to.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window before. (bumper sticker)
Never eat more than you can lift. (Miss Piggy)
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way
"Babies,...fun to make and fun to eat" - (Evil Cabbage, Windrivers)
"I haven't failed, I've just found 10,000 ways it won't work" (Thomas Edison)
When choosing between 2 evils, I always try to choose the one I haven't tried before. -Mae West
You're too good for him(Sign over mirror in womens restroom)
No wonder you always go home alone(Sign over mirror in mens restroom)
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at
"Life is hard.......but it's harder if you're stupid." (John Wayne)
A friend will help you move, a good friend will help you move the body
Motivation is not enough. You can motivate an idiot but then all you have is a motivated idiot.
"I've had a wonderful time............but this wasn't it" (Groucho Marx)
"We are the people your parents warned you about" (Icrontic.com)
"Live long, die rich, and leave a 20 year old widow." (Hotrod of windrivers)
"Whether you think that you can or that you can't, you are usually right" (Henry Ford)
There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count and those that can't. (Aliciana, COG Forums)
"The problem lies somewhere between the keyboard and the back of the chair"
"I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me."
"At christmas time I got a gun for my wife......it was the best trade I've ever made"
You never really know what your swears mean until you learn how to drive.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them. 
"Laws are like spiderwebs, if some poor weak creature comes up against them, it's caught but a bigger more powerful one can break through and get away."  -Solon
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
        - Calvin, of "Calvin & Hobbes"
"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean." -Pedro Guerrero (talking about reporters)
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
-  Rita Mae Brown
"If you have any questions or comments, feel free to keep them to yourself." -SCS Server
"From the radio station that knows that TA stands for more than teachers association" -Radio104
Better to be pissed off than pissed on
If you get a headache, get aspirin and do what it says on the bottle: Take 2 and keep away from children
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and the meet at the bar."    -Drew Carey
"If a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infants life, she will choose to save the infants life without even considering if there is a man on base."     -Dave Barry
"Bigamy is having one wife\husband too many. Monogamy is the same."  -Oscar Wilde
"Ah, yes, divorce...... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet."   -Robin Williams
"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time I can be myself."   -Roseanne
Southpark: Stan: "Dolphins are beautiful and friendly creatures" Cartman: "Yeah, beautiful and friendly with some mayo and rye bread"
Southpark: Cartman: "Suzie, if you don't stop being so poor I'm going to have to start hucking rocks at you"


Good Tech Quotes

"Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for this change to take effect"
"Friends don't let friends run with integrated graphics" (www.extremetech.com)
(Regarding dot.coms) "Can you believe that? ***** is fucked. I guess they didn't give away enough free shit to make a profit..." (www.fuckedcompany.com)
"No really, that paper thingy you took out of the box with all the words on it wasn't packaging material, it's called a Manual."
Programming is like sex, make one mistake and you'll be supporting it the rest of your life.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't

A few good Politician quotes

"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
- President Reagan (before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.) 
The Internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Senator Bob Dole
"How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?"
- (on Y2K) Al Gore
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- Dan Quayle

David's technical advice:

Never ever buy an Acer CD-Rom of any kind
Never ever buy a refurb monitor from a show unless it's for someone else
Scandisk does not fix anything
Take the junk out of your startup menu and sys tray
Don't use AOL (Ok, I know of one acceptable reason to use AOL, and that is if you've had it for years and don't want to lose your email address)
Don't use real player
Don't use WinNT unless you enjoy not being able to do what you want
Always download the windows patches from Microsoft
Install the newest Internet Explorer
Never ever buy a Compaq unless it's a server
If you already bought a compaq, never try and format
Don't use the cd that came with your hardware, get the new drivers from the internet
Never ever buy anything that's a really great deal but has a 15 day warranty
Laptops are slower than desktops of equal specs. ALWAYS
If you see in an ad "3D Graphics" or "up to 11 megs shared ram" these should be red flags that the pc you're looking at sucks.

General advice:

Do not drive on someone ass in the rain
If someone you just met asks to borrow money, say no
You cannot trust a lawyer under any circumstances even if you're paying them
Put some money away for your retirement while you're young
You know that noise your car is making? It won't go away on it's own, call a mechanic.
If sex is a pain in the ass for you, you're doing it wrong.
AAA is one of the best values around. For about $60 a year you get roadside assistance including free tows. If you use a single tow, it pays for itself.
Politicians are like diapers.....they need to be changed regularly, and for exactly the same reason
Ladies: Your dates salary divided by your own equals the base you should let him get to on the first date.

Warnings:

Riccardi's auto sales on Watertown avenue cannot be trusted. Don't even look at their cars.

Do not eat at Timbers at the Heritage Inn in Southbury, their kitchen is quite dirty.

Waterbury is currently full of potholes and 3 out of 4 drivers there are losers who can't drive, try not to bring your car there.

Don't open email attachments that you don't know what they are, viruses don't just happen to other people.

More advice to be posted as I think of it!